Monday, April 02, 2007

How Do You Tell It's Spring in Minnesota?

A goose poops on KellyFaith.

Yep, not the melting snow, or the buds on the trees or any of that poetic crap. Truly, the only way to know that spring has arrived is when a Canadian goose returning from it's winter getaway flies overhead and plops a large dollop of poo right on the unsuspecting KellyFaith. This happened last week, so you can all go and uncover your gardens and start your spring training. If you're still not certain that it's really spring, then perhaps the fact that a goose flew into the side of my car as I travelled down an exit ramp this weekend will put your mind at ease. Yes, it's time for the yearly goose adventures of KellyFaith. We can all look forward to another happy season of wild goose chases and countless hours of cursing and swearing.

I'm pretty certain that Canada sends these fowl beasts (yes, I'm aware of the awful pun) down here to covertly sabotage the average American's daily life. The geese are trained to seek out the most intelligent of Americans and commit acts of treachery in an effort to make said intelligent American look like a complete idiot. The geese then send their reports via cleverly encrypted honks back across the border where their intelligence is reenacted on a hugely popular nightly television show for the amusement of their fellow countrymen....all in an effort to undermine Americans while recruiting more geese and other water fowl into their elaborate organization bent on Canadian world domination and the overthrow of our government...that's just a theory, mind you.

I got caught up in the goose nest of deceitful subversion years ago when I was in eighth grade. It began when I wore my very cute and very short new skirt to my boyfriend's house to meet his family for the first time. For some odd reason his family kept a goose (of the generic white variety, obviously an agent deep under cover) as a pet. The goose repeatedly....well, goosed me. It followed me around the house honking and lifting the rear of my little skirt with its beak to the endless entertainment of the entire family. It's clear that these operatives are well-trained to spot extreme intelligence at a very young age. Anyway, I'm not sure if the boyfriend and his family were Canadian, but they could very well be sympathizers. The relationship did not last past the Junior High Valentine's Day Dance...with the boyfriend, my relationship with the geese was just beginning.

Oh, I have lots of similar my first encounter with a Canadian goose (he settled himself down for a nap on the hood of my parked car and refused to budge)...or the time the goose population plotted to get me fired (a goose followed me into my office building where I was videotaped chasing it around and kicking it out the door. The incident was discussed at my subsequent review and I was subtly reminded that cruelty to animals was not appropriate office behavior)....

Over the years I've collected dozens of similar tales and I'm sure this spring will bring me one step closer to collecting enough information to publish my book and expose this evil plot against the American society. SHHHH...don't let the geese know we're onto them. They can be very dangerous when provoked. Be wary of those sneaky Canadians too....they can also be very dangerous when provoked.

Beware, some covert agents have been known to
disguise themselves as co-workers and supervisors.

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