I know it’s been a long time since my last post. You’ll have to forgive my absence. I’ve been busily saving our economy…all by myself. Seriously, those presidential candidates can rant all they want about economic stimulus packages and tax cuts, but I have single-handedly saved us all from recession. And I’ve done it all with my financial support of the facial tissue industry. That’s right, over the past 6-8 weeks, I’ve spent half my annual income purchasing box after box of tissues. Puffs Plus with Lotion, to be exact…but I don’t really play favorites. I’ve made sure my office has doubled its usual order of the Kleenex brand as well. Yes, a few trees have been sacrificed for the cause, but the nation and my little red nose must be soothed.
You may ask where I’ve spent the other half of my annual income. Well, merely buying up the entire local inventory of facial tissue is not enough to stave off the kind of economic downturn we’re looking at these days. No, I had to invest in the pharmaceutical industry as well. We’re talking Pepto-Bismol, Nyquil, countless boxes of Advil Cold & Sinus and many, many rounds of antibiotics. And I’ve done it all for you and your children and your children’s children….so we can leave this country in better shape than we found it, etc., etc. Now stop whining about absence from the blog world and get out there and elect someone who can take this burden from me. No, really, find someone else. I’m done. My immune system has run off with my sinuses to Mexico and they’re sipping margaritas on the beach. Meanwhile, I’m sitting at my desk trying to stay awake and looking less than professional with tissues hanging out my pockets and permanent cough drop breath.
And since I’ve spent an entire year’s revenue keep the country afloat, I am now taking campaign donations. No, I’m not running for president, but I think I am well qualified for Secretary of Rare Virus. Feel free to give as you can and know that your contributions will finance the new sinus infection I feel coming on as we speak.
sick, illness, cold, flu, campaign, economy, tissues, medicine, Kleenex