Last night I went to have my hair dyed (I know, hard to believe, right?). Below is a transcript of the conversations I overheard the stylist at the next chair having with her customers during several long hours in the chair (hey, this kind of beauty doesn't just happen!). Seriously, I could not make this stuff up.
[Gentleman 1 enters and is escorted to the chair]
Stylist: Hi, how are you?
[Apparently, not understanding that this is a rhetorical question, the man answers.]
Gentleman 1: Not too well. I lost my job last week.
[Ok, a little more than the standard "Fine", but our stylist rolls with it.]
Stylist: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Times certainly are hard these days.
Gentleman 1: I know what you mean. I'm having trouble even getting an interview.
[Always friendly, our stylist decides to give her customer a little inside job hunting tip that's sure to lift his spirits.]
Stylist: Have you tried applying at XYZ Company? My friend just got a job there and they are always hiring.
[Now he should be grateful and even if uninterested should respond with something like "Thanks for the tip. I'll look into that." But our guy has not learned the delicate art of chit-chat at the salon and volunteers far too much information.]
Gentleman 1: Well, I have four felonies in the last five years, so I doubt they'll hire me.
Stylist: Umm...well, I see how that may cause a problem.
[Awkward silence for the remainder of the haircut. Gentleman 1 pays and leaves.]
[Gentleman 2 enters and is seated in the chair left vacant by the first. Polite conversation begins and our stylist gets the haircut underway.]
Stylist: So, do you ever see John Doe anymore?
[Clearly caught of guard, Gentleman 2 is confused by this question.]
Gentleman 2: How do you know my friend, John Doe?
[Now it's the stylist's turn to be off guard.]
Stylist: Umm....well....you were my date to the junior prom. We doubled with John Doe and his girlfriend.
[Ok, you think this is the awkward part, but it gets worse...much worse.]
Gentleman 2: Oh, sorry. I didn't even recognize you. I don't really see John Doe since I caught him stealing some of my stuff out of my room one time. He was always kind of a loser. Do you ever see his girlfriend?
Stylist: She's my cousin...and she and John Doe have been married for two years.
[Now you'd think that this guy would just shut his mouth, but he's just getting started.]
Gentleman 2: Oh, well it seems he got himself cleaned up then, huh?
[The stylist is clearly ready for this conversation to end.]
Gentleman 2: You know after our date, I put a letter in your mailbox...ya know, just to apologize.
Stylist: Really? I never got a letter.
Gentleman 2: Well, your parents were pretty upset with me. So they probably didn't give it to you.
[At this point, every person in the crowded salon is listening.]
Stylist: Well, it was a long time ago. Did you know I have two kids now?
[This customer is not fooled by our stylist's attempt to change the subject.]
Gentleman 2: Well, I know you were really hurt. I mean you cried the whole time.
[The stylist is now an unnatural shade of pink.]
Stylist: Well, I'm over it. I live in Edina now.
[Another failed attempt to end her agony.]
Gentleman 2: Well, I should have at least bought you one of those corsages. And maybe I shouldn't have showed up so drunk. Remember how I threw up in the car on the way home?
[It's clear our stylist is re-living the worst prom date in history right here in front of a very attentive crowd.]
Stylist: No, I don't really remember that.
Gentleman 2: Oh yeah, I think you were in the gas station bathroom when that happened.
[I'm pretty sure she was probably looking for a window to climb out of and escape.]
Gentleman 2: Did you know I had to spend two days in jail after they arrested me that night? I mean they clocked me at 103, but that's so stupid. My El Camino could only get up to 80 on a good day.
Stylist: Well, I know I was pretty scared.
Gentleman 2: Well, it was all John Doe's fault. I had to keep up with his Camaro.
[The haircut is over, but not the awkwardness.]
Gentleman 2: Well, it was good to see you again and relive my glory days. Sorry I didn't recognize you at first. I think your voice has gotten deeper or something. Oh, and you've really developed....I mean, you have a lot more curves now.
[Gentleman 2 leaves, much to the relief of our stylist.]
[Gentleman 3 is seated. He has come with his wife, who is reading a 3-month-old gossip magazine, and their two young children.]
Stylist: What adorable kids. How old are they?
Gentleman 3: They're 4 and 2. But most people think they're older because they are so mature for their ages. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.
[Our stylist tries to appear interested in her customer's endless babble about his kids and truck driving job. But it's hard to maintain her composure because the younguns are literally tearing the salon apart. One is squirting shampoo all over the floor while the other is tearing pages out of the hairstyle book on the counter.]
Wife: Yeah, it's so hard to look after the kids when he's away for such long periods of time....blah, blah.
[She didn't even look up from her magazine!]
Gentleman 3: Blah, blah, blah...Can you get the sideburns a little closer?
Stylist: They are so cuuute!
[Finally, the family leaves and clean-up begins.]
[Gentleman 4 has been waiting for a while and finally sits down for his haircut.]
Gentleman 4: Those kids were a nightmare!
Stylist: No kidding!
Gentleman 4: When that kid spanked you, all I could think was how I know a couple of kids that need that kind of whack.....not that you didn't need it.
[Ok, that's a weird little statement.]
Stylist: Yeah, parents just don't discipline like when we were kids.
Gentleman 4: I know what you mean. I like to smack a behind now and then.
Gentleman 4: And that guy just wouldn't shut up!
Stylist: Yes, he had a lot to say didn't he?
Gentleman 4: And he spent the whole time looking down your shirt.
Gentleman 4: Yeah and when you turned around he sure was eyeing your rear!
Stylist: Well, I didn't even notice that.
Gentleman 4: Yeah, I figured. I mean you didn't even notice that your blouse is unbuttoned down to your waist.
Wow, what a night for this poor girl! That being said, I am glad that I got stuck with the quiet stylist. Otherwise, I might have missed out on the best entertainment I've had all week!