Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Micromanaging the Chaos

Lately that old familiar feeling for dread and anxiety has started creeping into my life again. We only have a few short months left here at El Sembrador and we have to start figuring out what's next for us. I know that I should just trust God to lead and take care of the details for us, but I am constantly second-guessing. What if this is my will and not God's will? How will we know we're doing things according to His plan for our lives? When does practical planning become mistrusting God's ability to provide?

Recently, PK and I filled out applications to be career missionaries at El Sembrador. There's going to be a long vetting process and lots of tests and, of course, support raising before we're back in Honduras. That leaves me plenty of time to worry and agonize about not worrying and agonizing about our ministry. In the meantime, there's those little mundane things like where we're going to live and how are we going to put food on the table to occupy my thoughts. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in decisions that have to be made and scenarios that could happen to derail everything. It's kind of like having a boss that micromanages every aspect of your life, but really doesn't know anything about the job or the plan...only in this case I'm the micromanager and no matter what I do I can't seem to get a handle on what exactly my life is supposed to be. It's perpetual frustration and apprehension that I can't seem to shake.

I'm really trying to trust in the Lord and lay my cares at His feet, but I guess me and my cares are pretty tight these days, because I'm having some separation anxiety.


Melanie said...

I totally hear your heart Kelly and can thoroughly identify. Excited to hear you are applying. Have fun on those psych tests!

Tracy said...

i'm always praying for you, Kelly! i'm excited for you and you know i'll do whatever I can to help!